When I Fell In Love with Someone Who Didn't Love Me

Hello, lovlies.

I decided to make this my first post other than the introduction because I will reference this probably constantly and it's a story I've never got to really tell to anyone. So, here it goes.

Side-note: I say love, but I'm not sure. However, I feel better and more dramatic saying love, so I think I'll continue to do that.

It was sixth grade and I was sat by this immature, green-eyed kid who was totally rude and judgy. It was just us two at this table so we were forced to talk to each other, though it was obvious that I annoyed the hell out of him. And, that's when I began feeling it... "This kid?" I asked my heart curiously, looking over at him as he smiled goofily. "Yup." my heart replied. And I sighed.

It wasn't until the seventh grade that I accepted that I liked this kid. We sat by each other in English and he actually thought I was decently funny. But, he was shy and I was shy. But, my English teacher changed my life over spring break that year.

My English teacher told us "You guys are too young for Facebook and such, so I created a website for you to log on and talk to each other, post questions and just to mess around on. I think your social interactions are important, we'll see up our accounts in the computer lab today."

And so I made my little account and then, in that crappy little dusty computer lab, I got up the courage to "friend" Luke.. By the way, his name isn't actually Luke, I changed that.

He accepted my friend request, wow. We were already practically Romeo and Juliet.

Then, over Spring Break, I posted a question on homework that I made up, just in hopes he would reply to me. And he did! That kid replied to me!  And we talked all day on that website and I had never felt that happy before.

And then, on our second day of talking, Luke messaged me "Hey, I think it would be easier if I just texted you. What's your number?"

And I died as I typed the digits into the computer and that night, we texted for like 11 hours. That's nothing now, since I used to text my boyfriend from like 10 am to 3 am. 

Anyway, that's when I fell for him, over text. And he fell for me too.

On the last day of school, my 7th grade year, I had a party with my friends to celebrate. And that's when one of my friends texted him and asked if he liked me, in a special way. I cried when he said that he did and he had felt that way for a long time. I remember looking up at my ceiling that night, being the pessimist I am, I thought to myself "I never want this to end. I will hate the day that it will."

That was it. About nine months later, we drifted apart. And by drifted apart, I mean that he stopped texting me because he most likely lost interest. 

That kid is my kryptonite and so whenever there wasn't a more dominant guy in my life, my heart always wanders back to him. 

It was the beginning of my freshman year, October. And I pretended like I didn't like him, but I did.

And then I saw his name come across my best friend's phone screen and I asked her "do you like him? Are you guys a thing?" 

And she told me "no, of course not."

About a week later, we were talking at break right before homeroom and the bell rang.  That's when she leaned over and told me "Madi, I have a boyfriend. And it's Luke."

The world stopped spinning. I felt like I was going to throw up or start crying in the middle of campus as I trudged to homeroom, trying not to let any tears fall and trying to breath though my throat was closed up from the pain.

Why did he date her, but he never asked me to be his girlfriend? She's so loud and beautiful and different than I am. Did he ever even want me? 

You see, the kind of people that are attracted to me aren't the same as the kind that are attracted to her. We have never been geniinly liked by the same guy, unless you count Luke.

Anyways, for three weeks, I watched them together. They did everything I wanted and she was even his first kiss, the first kiss I wanted to be for two years. And that's when I learned that love isn't fair and you can't spend your time day dreaming because it won't happen. I became so pessimistic watching them kiss, watching as they slowly pulled my aching heart from my chest. 

I told her to chose him or me because best friends just don't date who their best friend has liked for two years. She told me she couldn't choose... She couldn't choose between her friend of four years or her boyfriend of a week and a half? I didn't talk to her for a week.

Soon after that, she told me she was fearing that he was going to break up with her, and I was selfishly relieved. But I told her that probably wasn't it even if I hoped it was.

Then, after school they met one day and he told her that he wasn't ready for a girlfriend and she wasn't perfect for him.

My best friend and I skyped and ate moosetracks icecream together as she cried because he was the first boy to break up with her... It was great for us.

so, the first time I fell in love with a boy who didn't love me back was in middle and the beginning of high school, where he proceeded to like me and then not and then date my best friend.

It was a beautifully painful experience.