The Teenage Dreamer Chronicles; When I Realized I Wasn't in Love

I'll tell you how to know-if you're like me- if you're not in love.

For those of you who have been reading my posts or bothered to scroll down to my very first post (it was only literally one post down!) you know about my first real boyfriend. 



1. The kisses don't make you crazy or aren't addictive or heated.

2. When he touches you, you could pass. It's not that great.

3. When he walks into the room, you aren't smiling. If he sees you, you smile. But if you're not just giddy at the idea of him, think about it.

4. You can't see yourself with him forever. I always said "Alex is the bad boy you date in high school and kiss in the back of a car, where you shouldn't. He's not the kind you stay with or marry."

5.You don't really get jealous. Let's admit it, everyone gets jealous! Even if you don't admit it, even if you trust him. If you aren't really jealous at some point, your feelings for him may not be that strong.

6. You can handle losing him. I thought about other guys when I was with Alex and I thought that was normal, which it is. But to think about dating them or even making plans about how to get to know other cuties (which I literally did about a month before we broke up) is just too much. Not everything is innocent thoughts.

And that's all I have for now.

Take a look at your relationship, he could just be your best friend, like Alex was mine.

And if you find that he is, let him know and please tell him you don't want to lose him because he probably feels the same way. Love is a two way street and you probably would notice if he felt dramatically different.

I'll tell you a little bit about Alex... And a little bit about Alex and I.

The first time Alex really talked to me was during finals week, the end of the school year, when we were freshmen. He came over to say hello to someone who sat by me, a pretty girl. He eventually ended up having a group conversation with the beautiful girls around me and then he said something stupid.

A friend of mine told him, "Alex! Use your head!" 
And my Alex, he replied "Which one?"
I snickered at his dirty joke, watching as no one got it but me for a few seconds. Alex then looked at me, tilted his head a bit to the side and said "You, you got it!" 
"Of course not." I deny, smirking.
Alex came closer to us and while I sat in the chair part of my desk, he sat on the table part and all I could think of was "Damn, he's so hot."

I didn't talk to Alex after that besides him signing "Have a great summer!" in my yearbook... Then, when walking into my first day of tenth grade in my short pleated skirt, I was shown my seat in math and didn't even notice Alex was directly next to me, I was just happy that it was near the front so I would be able to see, since I'm a little blind.

I remember talking to a good friend who also sat next to me and Alex would occasionally laugh or comment on something that I said, though I never addressed it because I thought "there's no way in hell... Not him."

When I sat down in my last period, Chemistry (ironic) I sat down in a seat in the back, where I stay to this day. And who sits infront of me? Alex.

As you can probably tell, Alex began to like me just a couple months or weeks into school and I didn't care for him the same way because I thought that no one like me fell for someone like him because he's so damn perfect. I did like him, eventually.

We went to homecoming together and watched football and texted endlessly and talked until in the beginning of December, he asked me to be his and I said yeah.

So, now you know our back story, but you're thinking "Um, Mad, this post was about how you knew you didn't love him!"

So here it is.

When I kissed Alex (he was my first real real kiss) I felt nothing. I felt nervous and scared, but I didn't feel any heat or sparks... It was like kissing a wall that had a tongue..Ew.

And I never talked about this because I thought that it was because I was a crappy kisser but as months went by I figured with all this practice, I must be good enough! 

I hated kissing him because I hated to feel nothing when I know I should feel happy or something, or at least turned on when we make out... Nothing.

I think that was the most important way I know know that I didn't love him. 

A few weeks before we broke up, I wrote on my tumblr blog this:

"Once I read a quote basically saying 'your true love doesn't make you anxious. Forget all the sweaty palms and butterflies. Your true love relives you of your anxiety and makes you feel calm and whole.

And I thought maybe we were so boring and calm, we should break up. But then it occurred to me, we simply feel natural."

HELLO, PAST ME, WAS I AN IDIOT?!

I felt natural with Alex because he was my best friend, not because I loved him.

This occurred to me today. All of our best moments were moments in which I thought "I am so lucky to have met a guy like you. You're like my best friend."

Oh hell no.

There was never a hot make out session, I hated when he touched my butt, our kisses were dull, but it was the moments that he made me laugh after school or asked me how my day was at 3 am that made me crazy about him.


Alex was my best friend and I was too late by the time I realized that!

I haven't talked to Alex in two weeks... And I'm not miserable because he likes someone else or because we aren't together, I'm upset because I look at him in Chemistry and I miss all the times he made me laugh and all the good times we had hanging out.

I miss my best friend.
I hope this helped or was at least a little interesting to read, thank you if you got this far.