The Teenage Dreamer Chronicles; My name is Madi.

Hello, beautiful people.

No, being a teenager isn't all easy grades, Instagram and listening to bad music. It's not about doing drugs, having too much sex and making mistakes.

Being a teenager is about surviving in a judgmental world and finding yourself in the process. It's about learning to love life and let your radiantly naive little soul be free.

I'll tell you a little about myself.

My name is Madi, I'm 16 and I live in California, in a small town that no one cares about. My high school is fairly dismal and my locker number is 666 like the devil and even has the words "sex god" keyed into the front... I honestly wish I was joking, but I'm not. At least it's not another piece of abstract art of male genitalia like many other lucky people have carved into their lockers.

The boy with locker number 667 was my first boyfriend, his locker was directly under mine and after he had to ask me to scoot over for a few months, he finally looked up... We broke up, but our story and the things he taught me I still think about daily. It's funny how a random locker placement and a seat in chemistry can change your entire life, huh? I think so.

As for issues that other teenagers face, I'm a freak as well. I get sad, as in really sad, as in depressed-I-feel-empty-or-nothing-sad. I am, however, undiagnosed. I and my father also think I might have GAD, an anxiety disorder, so that's always really fun. Lastly, I want to be thin. No, it's not the media or all those pretty models or a boy telling me I'm fat. I just want to be beautiful... And my entire family lets me know how fat I am on a daily basis which is probably the cause of me skipping meals and feeling guilty for eating a cookie or breakfast or lunch.

But, I probably won't talk too much about how I may end up anorexic, it's a bit of a downer and I would rather not wallow in my own self pity.

I've never been in love... Not that I know of. I, of course, was crazy about ole' 667 but we didn't last long enough for me to ever really know. Strangely, I felt the most feelings toward a green eyed boy I fell for at the end of my sixth grade year...

I liked him for almost two years and if I've loved anyone, it was him. He liked me back for about nine months and I was content but then his feelings faded and I was still head over heels for that kid.

And then when we got into high school, he dated my best friend for about 3 weeks. And that was one of the worst times of my life... In a lovesick way.

She told me when the bell rang and we were going to homeroom, and she said "Madi, I have a boyfriend. And it's Luke."
and the world kind of stopped spinning, but I'll tell you about that in another post, hopefully soon.

I'm a hopeless romantic and when I think that I can't go on, I think of the soul mate that I haven't met yet. My mind drifts to a Sunday morning in the future where I'm making pancakes in my pajamas, laughing as my husband plays with my little baby girl in the living room. If I get to that moment, my life will be complete and by that time, I know everything that is making me think of ending my life now will seem so small. If I can make it to that Sunday morning, if only I can.

On a low note, I have been cutting myself for a little over a year now and the only person who knows is that same best friend who dated "Luke". She tells me to stop, but understands when I can't. My record for being clean was about 4 months but currently I've only been clean for about a week and a half, a couple Tuesday's ago... But, it's all good. I'm happy as of the moment and that's all that matters.


Lastly, I'm a writer and a poet. I can't tell anyone how I feel but when I scribble them in messy ink or type them (on a blog like this) I just find that the world becomes better and I can help people that way. 


So, let me help you.

That's all for now, my loves. Please follow me or watch my email or read on or comment or message or email me or whatever.. This is my passion.

xx
Madi.